motherhood and body image

i wrote this post on march 20, 2012 but never clicked on the "publish" button.  i have several posts like this sitting in my blogger account.  there are many reasons why i have slacked off this whole blogging thing and many reasons why i want to pick it back up again.  so this is a start ... some thoughts and feelings that have been sitting here in virtual limbo for some time.  

________________________________________________________

like a lot of women, i have lived in a constant state of diet and fitness routine followed by "not caring" or "letting myself go" and then back to dieting.  round and round i went.  looking back, i cant really tell a huge difference physically, it was mostly a mental thing.  its crazy to look back at a photo and remember feeling "fat" that day.  i remember being self conscious and making the decisions to not care in order to move forward with my day or activity.  im glad that i was able to change my mindset into not caring what others thought and make the best of it ... but the point is, how did i let myself get to that mindset in the first place?  why did i feel the need to overcome the fact that my size 4, 6 or 8 self needed a pep talk to go the beach.  i cant count how many times i have said something like "ill just sit my fat ass right here and wait."  what the devil!  yeah, and the sad part is that i hear that same mentality all around me.  i have friends and family that refer to themselves the same way.  im not saying i learned it from them, its my own words.  i am sad that this type of conversation was my norm.  i put myself and my body down constantly.  i am surprised my body didnt just shut down from all the negativity.   

i am sure you have all read posts about the media's part in things like this.  i could talk about it all day long but i wanted to make this post a little more personal than that.  i want to talk to you about my journey and how motherhood changed my body image.  

today is the day i reached my pre-pregnancy weight.  awesome, right?!?!   i was so excited that i shared with a couple of people and it felt really weird to compliment myself ... talking good about my body feels foreign to me.  then i starting thinking about how much my body has done over the past year.  last year this time, i was about 7 weeks pregnant.  i was already at a size/weight that i wasnt ecstatic about but i could live with for the time being.  i had been through a miscarriage, the holidays and a juice cleanse (only to continue to not take care of myself).  during my pregnancy, i did not get sick once and everything tasted amazing.  i ended up gaining 55 lbs which as of today, i have lost.  after growing a person (still mind blowing to me), i then recovered from a major surgery while my body started to make milk that will nurture and feed my son long after he was born.  then after fully recovering from my c-section, this body of mine started strengthening one sit up, one jumping jack and one mile at a time.  now, i have completed a 60 fitness challenge and i signed up for my first 4 mile race and im feeling great.  my legs and heart feel strong and my mind feels clear.  

i cannot share this without giving credit to the way we have been eating.  at the beginning of january, i decided i wanted to eat bread with less ingredients.  while searching for information, i came across the 100 days of real food blog.  i read this post about really easy changes that make a big difference.  for the first time, it didnt seem overwhelming to make a lifestyle change.  this has had a HUGE impact on my body image.  i really feel great and when it comes time to run or take care of henry, i have the energy i need.  not because im counting calories or fat grams or anything just because i am making really healthy meals.  

i want to remember this feeling.  i know i wont always be this pumped, this size, this weight, but i want to remember feeling great about my body and being thankful of the life it provided for my son and myself.  i have heard women say they prefer not to have children because of what it does to your body.  let me tell you that it does more to your mind and how you view yourself.  i am happy to be a mother for too many reasons to count but i never thought about the positive effect it could have on my body image.  

my little zombie

husband and i are big fans of the walking dead.  during the early weeks of life with henry, we were catching up on the latest season.  i was learning the joys of breastfeeding at the same time and decided that hungry henry resembles a zombie attacking.  husband would have to hold his wildly flapping hands away from my very raw and very tender nipple while he would stick his neck out to basically try and bite off my boob.  this is how he got the, now seldom used, nickname "my little zombie."

i promised in henry's first month post that i would share with you my nursing experience.  i wanted to wait until we had really gotten the hang of it before posting, but i now realize that could be months.  so i decided i will just share with you how its going so far.

first of all, if anyone has ever told you "breastfeeding is so easy" or "you are just going to love every minute of it" ... basically they are lying and will most likely judge you if you mention that is not easy and you dont love every second of it.  i agree that for 5% of the moms out there that this MIGHT be true but i have heard quite the opposite from most moms i have talked to.   

while we were still in the hospital, the lactation consultants that stopped by our room all seemed to be pleased with how henry and i were doing.  they mentioned that he had a smaller mouth and that it would get a lot easier when he got a little older.  the first week home i was on some pretty good pain meds because the c-section and i was still hurting badly.  those first few weeks are spent learning and toughening myself up, mind, body and soul.  after a lot of tears, by the third or forth week, henry and i started getting the hang of it. 

we waited almost two weeks before introducing a bottle/paci.  i was very appreciative for the breaks and it gave me time to heal.  after that, henry was given one bottle a day which gave husband some bonding time.  now that i am working, henry gets two bottles a day and i feed him the rest of the time.  it seems even less like a chore now because it hurts less and its time that i get to stop and just be with him.  even if i am running late in the morning and rushing everything else, when it comes time for him to eat, i have to stop and sit and spend time with him.  

so in conclusion, here are my thoughts so far on breastfeeding henry: 

• at first, it hurt like hell.
• then it did get easier.
• it started hurting like hell all over again and then it got easier again.
• i am glad i stuck it out even when i wanted to give up.
• the fact that breast milk is free and that nursing was helping me loose the weight i gained are two things that helped me stick it out when it got hard. 
• even after 10 weeks, im not confident enough to nurse in public.  i have done it and i will do it, i just prefer to nurse in the privacy of my home or car.  i think this will change once henry has more head control.
• pumping at work can be a pain in the neck. 
• finding* clothing that is breastfeeding friendly can be difficult.  
• finding* work clothes that is pumping friendly is even more difficult (because it has to be able to expose both sides instead of just one at a time).
• i love that nursing makes me slow down.  at least three times a day i have to stop everything i am doing for 20 minutes or so, and focus 100% on the needs of my son.
• henry giggles a lot after nursing ... this is my favorite part :)

my goal is to try and nurse for a year.  i am aware that this may or may not happen.  i hear teething is a whole different ballgame.  another goal is to not beat myself up or allow anyone to make me feel inadequate if i dont make it the full year.  nursing is not for everyone and i get so sad when i hear women giving each other a hard time for not breast feeding.  sometimes it is a choice and sometimes its not.  the best thing to do is be supportive of each other and offer encouragement.  

feel free to comment or leave a question below ... 

*when i say "finding" i mean finding  them in my existing wardrobe mostly.  i am sure finding a bunch of new items wouldnt be as difficult but i do not have the desire or the funds to do that.