motherhood and body image

i wrote this post on march 20, 2012 but never clicked on the "publish" button.  i have several posts like this sitting in my blogger account.  there are many reasons why i have slacked off this whole blogging thing and many reasons why i want to pick it back up again.  so this is a start ... some thoughts and feelings that have been sitting here in virtual limbo for some time.  

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like a lot of women, i have lived in a constant state of diet and fitness routine followed by "not caring" or "letting myself go" and then back to dieting.  round and round i went.  looking back, i cant really tell a huge difference physically, it was mostly a mental thing.  its crazy to look back at a photo and remember feeling "fat" that day.  i remember being self conscious and making the decisions to not care in order to move forward with my day or activity.  im glad that i was able to change my mindset into not caring what others thought and make the best of it ... but the point is, how did i let myself get to that mindset in the first place?  why did i feel the need to overcome the fact that my size 4, 6 or 8 self needed a pep talk to go the beach.  i cant count how many times i have said something like "ill just sit my fat ass right here and wait."  what the devil!  yeah, and the sad part is that i hear that same mentality all around me.  i have friends and family that refer to themselves the same way.  im not saying i learned it from them, its my own words.  i am sad that this type of conversation was my norm.  i put myself and my body down constantly.  i am surprised my body didnt just shut down from all the negativity.   

i am sure you have all read posts about the media's part in things like this.  i could talk about it all day long but i wanted to make this post a little more personal than that.  i want to talk to you about my journey and how motherhood changed my body image.  

today is the day i reached my pre-pregnancy weight.  awesome, right?!?!   i was so excited that i shared with a couple of people and it felt really weird to compliment myself ... talking good about my body feels foreign to me.  then i starting thinking about how much my body has done over the past year.  last year this time, i was about 7 weeks pregnant.  i was already at a size/weight that i wasnt ecstatic about but i could live with for the time being.  i had been through a miscarriage, the holidays and a juice cleanse (only to continue to not take care of myself).  during my pregnancy, i did not get sick once and everything tasted amazing.  i ended up gaining 55 lbs which as of today, i have lost.  after growing a person (still mind blowing to me), i then recovered from a major surgery while my body started to make milk that will nurture and feed my son long after he was born.  then after fully recovering from my c-section, this body of mine started strengthening one sit up, one jumping jack and one mile at a time.  now, i have completed a 60 fitness challenge and i signed up for my first 4 mile race and im feeling great.  my legs and heart feel strong and my mind feels clear.  

i cannot share this without giving credit to the way we have been eating.  at the beginning of january, i decided i wanted to eat bread with less ingredients.  while searching for information, i came across the 100 days of real food blog.  i read this post about really easy changes that make a big difference.  for the first time, it didnt seem overwhelming to make a lifestyle change.  this has had a HUGE impact on my body image.  i really feel great and when it comes time to run or take care of henry, i have the energy i need.  not because im counting calories or fat grams or anything just because i am making really healthy meals.  

i want to remember this feeling.  i know i wont always be this pumped, this size, this weight, but i want to remember feeling great about my body and being thankful of the life it provided for my son and myself.  i have heard women say they prefer not to have children because of what it does to your body.  let me tell you that it does more to your mind and how you view yourself.  i am happy to be a mother for too many reasons to count but i never thought about the positive effect it could have on my body image.  

pregnancy weight

what do you get when you have a growing pregnant woman, with no exercise routine, no morning sickness and zero food aversions?

this lady right here

total weight gain: 55 lbs

yup, i have decided that i am officially not embarrassed about the amount of weight i gained during pregnancy. it took me a while to be ok with it.  i finally realized that i did not throw up once when pregnancy and EVERYTHING tasted yummy.  in fact, the only thing i couldnt really enjoy was spaghetti because it gave me bad heartburn, and even that only lasted about 2 weeks.  that alone would allow me to gain a few more lbs than your average woman with child.  

i know that a 55 lb weight gain during pregnancy is not unheard of.  my doctor told me several times that it was fine.  i guess i started feeling a little self conscious because of some of the blogs i read and just general comparison to other women i know that were recently pregnant.  some of these women gain only 20 lbs or so (which is also a healthy weight gain).  it wasnt until after i had henry that different parts of these stories stuck out.  they often spent the first trimester queasy and turned off by a lot of different foods.  some of them had an awesome exercise routine and was able to stick with it through most of their pregnancy.  so, while i might wish i had been working out before we found out we were pregnant, i sure am thankful that i didnt spend the first 3 months hugging a toilet.  

the best thing i did to loose weight was breast feeding.  i lost 30 lbs those first 6 weeks.  these past 15 lbs have been a bit more stubborn (5 weeks) but i really didnt start doing anything special until about 3 weeks ago.  since january 1st, husband and i have been doing this workout routine.  i love how it slowly introduces exercises, increases the intensity and the time it takes, at a steady pace.  i have done it before and was able to make it almost all the way through (i even stuck it out during vacation).  when we moved into our new place, i was so tired and overwhelmed and very slack when it came to keeping up with my workouts.  i just started level two and im looking forward to getting my run on (for those of you that know me well, yes, i just said that).

in addition to breast feeding and the new workout plan, i also signed up for the fresh 20.  i mentioned it in my high five for friday post i couple of weeks ago.  they offer meal plans for the week, with 20 ingredients for 5 healthy meals.  each meal is without preservatives, processed foods or frozen ingredients.  i have only been doing this for 2 and a half weeks and i am loving it.  i have never really spent a lot of time in the kitchen, so i am getting used to the time it takes to cook 5 meals a week from scratch.  the plans include a shopping list and prep guide.  on sundays, i cook most of the meat and cut the veggies for the week so dinner only takes about 30 to 45 min to prepare.  i love how these recipes get me out of my comfort zone without being too intimidating.  the best part is that i have only eaten fast food once this year because we always have left overs to eat at lunch.  

i have also been keeping track of my calorie intake using myfitnesspal app.  the daily calories are set at 1800 and i try to have no less than 1500.  the great thing is that my fresh 20 meals are perfect for this plan.  i eat real food that fills me up and offers plenty of nutrients for nursing without going over my calorie intake.  also, its amazing how much less i graze during the day or go back for 2nds since i hold myself accountable.  i usually eat a snack of almonds or greek yogurt and drink a lot of water. 

in conclusion  i have lost a total of 43 lbs in 11 weeks and 4 days.  i am tracking what i eat but i am way more concerned with what type of food i am eating.  i havent bought one item that is "low fat" or "diet."  instead, i am concentrating on eating meals made of real food that comes from a farm instead of a lab.  i feel great and im excited to be serving meals that will improve/maintain the health of my family.  i have started exercise routine that fits my goals and lifestyle.  although i only have about 10 more lbs to loose, i still carry around a belly bump.  i hear this is harder to get rid of after a c-section but im up for a challenge.  

one last thing ... i am setting a goal to run a 5k this year.  my sister is a runner now and i think it would be fun to do one together.  :)

do you have any post baby weight loss secrets?