Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Today I Could Be A Mom

Today, I could be holding my new born daughter or son. 

Today, I am a part of the statistic that approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 

Taken the morning of our
8 week ultrasound. 
Like a lot of other women, this pregnancy is not my first.  People often ask me “are you expecting your first?”  I tell them "yes" because it's easier and because they might not understand.  I lost our first child in December 2011.  He or she had been a part of me for 8 weeks.  On December 22nd, husband and I went into the doctor’s office eagerly waiting to get a glimpse of our child.   I have photos of my “bump” that I can’t bring myself to delete.  I have a video of us waiting for the doctor to come in and perform the first ultra sound.  We are both nervous … but excited nervous.    We had patiently waited to tell the rest of our friends and family the exciting news as a Christmas surprise.  We had no clue.  We were told that they couldn’t find the heartbeat.  Then we waited for what seemed like forever to have a more detailed ultrasound.  While we waited, we received a phone call from our veterinarian letting us know that, on top of everything else going on, Omar (our youngest pup) was very sick.  He said that we should come and visit him that afternoon in case he didn’t make it through the night.  To our right, sat a woman and her husband, both glowing, looking at ultrasound pictures of their twins. 

We went in for the 2nd ultrasound and found out that there was no heartbeat and our wee one had stopped growing at 6 weeks.  We had to wait again to talk to the doctor about what happens next.  After leaving the doctor’s office, we drove to our vet’s office to visit Omar and then to my mom’s house.  I was able to talk with husband and her about my options and we scheduled a D & C for the following morning.  The holidays were pretty much a blur after that … I slept very little and cried a whole lot.  I had a hard time celebrating much at all.  Luckily, we were able to bring Omar home after he was healthy again.

Why am I waiting this long to share this?  Mainly because I was trying to figure out if it was something I wanted to share.  But recently it has been on my heart to do so.  You see, my due date was July 31, 2012 – Today, I could already be a mother.
We put together Christmas gifts with stuffed storks
and Prego spaghetti sauce to surprise our family. 
I am so very thankful for our Mister and the path that God has put us on with this pregnancy.  I know that His timing is better than mine.  I am healing more and more each day.  If you would have asked me in January if I thought I could be this happy, this soon, I would have said “no.”  I would still be grieving and totally unsure of when we could get pregnant again.  I would be mourning the loss of a child that now gets to spend every moment with Jesus, my grandmother, and all the other children that never made it into this beautiful and cruel world. 

There are so many women that go through this silent loss from no fault of their own.  It breaks my heart to know that today a lot of women will lose a child they never met.  Some will be so early on in their pregnancy that they don’t think it’s worth telling someone about what they lost … who they lost.  Unfortunately, some women will be far enough along in their pregnancy that they will have no other choice but to share it with others … constantly, with almost no way to escape it.    

I wanted to share this with you for a couple reasons.  One, is because I naturally over share.  I like to be an open book and share my experiences in life.  We are made up of our experiences and if I want someone to know and understand me, then I must share with them why I am this way.  This is how honest and open relationships are built. 

The main reason I wanted to share this is remind you that we don’t always know what others are going through.  I am sad to say that I snapped at a few people after the miscarriage.  Without any knowledge of what I was going through, they would say something like “well, don’t you think it’s about time you two started having kids!”   It was by no means their fault, but comments like this cut me to the core.  Sometimes I would change the subject and a few times I came back with a quick reply that let them know it was none of their business.  There are times I feel guilty and want to call these people to apologize but on the other hand we should always be mindful of others when we talk to them.  Don’t get me wrong, I have been a very insensitive individual in my past, but things like this start to change you. 

There are many women out there that have had a miscarriage or several of them.  There are women that have been trying to get pregnant for years and can’t.  They often feel like their bodies are failing them and end up taking all kinds of treatments and hormones to make possible what might have only taken you one night of too much wine.  We must be more sensitive to others and what they are going through.  If you are pregnant, you might not realize that you constantly complain to someone that would give anything to be in your swollen feet.  Know that questions like “when are you two going to start trying to get pregnant?” is NOT small talk.  Unless you know someone well enough to get or give an honest answer to this question, then it is not appropriate to ask. 

I would like to apologize to anyone that I might have offended with my insensitive questions in the past.  I would also like to ask forgiveness from anyone I was unkind to when asked an insensitive question.  As much as we should be sensitive to others and what they are going through, we must also offer grace to those that don’t know better.  I should have been more patient with others and for that, I am sorry. 

Today, someone will have a miscarriage.  Today, we will all have an opportunity to be kind to someone and sensitive to their needs and what they are going through.  

Today, I will still be healing.  I will get up and get ready for work and take 26 week bump photos for my pregnancy update this week.  

Today, I will continue to prepare for this life I have growing inside of me and anxiously wait to meet my son.

Thank you to our friends and family that prayed and comforted us through December and January and those that are praying with us through this pregnancy.  Most of all, thank you husband, for letting me cry, for making me laugh and for loving me even when I’m crazy.  You are my favorite person!


Psalm 56:8  
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.


8 comments:

  1. I cried and nodded my head several times while reading your post this morning. While I have never experienced a miscarriage I have mourned the baby I couldn't concieve a million times over. I have been that women who so desperately wanted to have the baby belly while others were complaining about the weight gain. I have been the woman who carries spite in her heart for mothers who abandon their children while at the same time thanking God for sharing two of these most special children with me.

    Thank you for giving us all a voice and I can't tell you how happy I am for you and your family. I hope Mister continues to grow and be healthy as can be. One thing I know for sure that above all else he will be loved.

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  2. oh elizabeth... i am so sorry. my sister had 8 miscarriages before my nephew was born. my best friend just had one last week. it is so common - way more common than we think or want to believe. but i know that God as a HUGE plan for your life and for your family and you are going to make an AMAZING mother some day. praying for you, hun!

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  3. Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes this is hard to talk about, but it's so good for other women to hear. When we share our experiences with each other, we learn from each other. This subject is close to my heart as well because it took 4yrs to conceive Ella, with a year of going through fertility meds and insemination. I was blessed to conceive naturally with her, but had all of those years thinking something was wrong with me. Then we we decided to try for baby 2, I had my first miscarriage at 10 weeks, also at my first ultrasound. Kevin and I "joked" that they should have two waiting rooms, one for happy news and one for sad news. It was so hard to sit next to the "happy" mothers. I also had to do the d&C. Then a few months later I miscarried again. That one wasn't as far along, but my spirit was beginning to break. I don't know how some women can live through more than that, or NEVER being able to conceive. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Luckily my story has a happy ending because I am blessed with my two beautiful girls. My experiences have made me stronger and able to empathize with other women who are going through this. I am so happy for you and Mark. You are going to make WONDERFUL parents! I can't wait to meet little mister :)

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  4. Should not have read this at work. I am so sorry for your lost.
    I think people think that because we already have Aydan that it is (miscarriage) easier somehow....and while he does make us smile everyday and am so thankful to have such a happy healthy little boy, it still hurts and sucks. That's the only word that comes to mind - sucks.
    Someone told me the other day that Michael and I needed to hurry up and get preggo with number 2. I wanted to punch her. Inside I put on the fake smile and nodded.

    Love you guys

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  5. Wow, thank you so much for sharing and being open! Such a good reminder. We had absolutely no trouble - a literal first shot, and I actually felt a little guilty thinking of women who have had miscarriages and struggled to get pregnant. Very blessed, but a little guilty. Thank you for sharing your perspective and reminder to be careful with our words.

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  6. Elizabeth, I am sorry, I did not know you lost your first baby. I have an 8th month old baby girl, but she is not my first. I lost my first baby, a son, in July 2010 when I was 9 months pregnant. I know how it feels to experience a loss and it is something that you never forget or get over. That baby, no matter how far along you were, will always be apart of you. Congrats on the new pregnancy!

    Amanda Hill

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  7. I think ur story is beautiful. My sister had several miscarriages, while i had no problems at all. This ws very difficult for both of us. Thank u for sharing. My sister ws never able to conceive but her partner has a wonderful lil boy and we love him dearly. I love reading ur blog. U make laugh. U make me cry. U r an honest person and u will make a great mother.

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  8. Thank you for sharing this. I too had a miscarriage at 6 weeks, my due date would have been 4 years ago next week. This time of year is tough, I imagine what my little girl or boy would be like at 4 years old.
    But then I look at how lucky I am. I had just broken up with an ex boyfriend when I had my miscarriage.
    I think God truly works in mysterious ways. I met my now-husband the week I would have been due. When I feel like I failed, and my body failed, I remember, I would not have met the love of my life if I'd had my first child. And for that I am thankful.
    "Everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is hidden from sight"

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